A slow obedience in many directions

 
Nietzsche wrote of the “long obedience in the same direction.” Eugene Peterson used the phrase for a book title; a book I read many years ago. My beginning of reading his many books. But this is something different. This book, the one I am living now, is called a slow obedience in many directions. Slow because I travel with confusion, sorrow with uncertainty, experience insights that melt away as fast as they are gathered. Slow because I insist on his being as yesterday and fail to embrace his person now.

Many directions because he, Brad, my husband with Alzheimer’s, is constantly different, constantly progressing backwards into something less than childhood—a sweetness overlaid with fear—an insanity that grapples with both sunshine and dark shadows. A forgetfulness that is sweeping away not only now but all the yesterdays.

I have not written because of depression:

And that is too bad because I have read some excellent books on dementia that I need to share. I will in a later post.

Too many nights Brad does not sleep. He unmakes the bed and then tells me he is cold. He gets up looking for me—I leave a light on because he fears the shadows. Tonight as I slipped into bed with him to read the Scriptures before returning to some quiet evening time he cried—cried about his condition. We talked about it as much as possible. I rarely understand him and he does not often comprehend my words. But the Spirit helps. We talked of the knowledge and knowing that will come to him when he is at last with Jesus. And the scripture, (I read from a Gospel and a psalm most nights), was just right. Only a psalm:

When the Lord brought back the captivity of Zion,

We were like those who dream.

Then our mouth was filled with

Laughter,

And our tongue with singing.

Then they said among the nations,

“The Lord has done great things for

Them.”

The Lord has done great things for us,

And we are glad.

It is hard to feel it now. Hard to grasp that God will turn our sorrow into joy. But He will. He will.

I love the song I am placing here because it reminds me of Brad who is now mostly blind and has trouble walking.